Seed's Humor Page

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself
off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
all the money!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out
when I'm dead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them
to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . 

 While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150."  

 The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend  only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

They Walk Among Us

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.   The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Hmmm, that's like the Braille keys at the ATM drive up.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST:   KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS (ORIGINAL SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT AS WRITTEN).

IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.

 NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.


 NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.


LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.


SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.


SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.


MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.


THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.


THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.


THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.


MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.


THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.


DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.


SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.


WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.


WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.


JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.


ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.


JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.


IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.


THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.


THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES


ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN


ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.


CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

Getting Into Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"

"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."

6 YEAR OLD WISDOM

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

"FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"

One day God was looking down at Earth & saw all of  the inappropriate behavior that was going on. He decided to send an
angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel returned, he told God,  Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95%
are misbehaving & 5% are not. God thought for a moment & said, Maybe I had better send down a 2nd angel to get another opinion. So God called another angel & sent him to Earth for a time. When that angel returned he went to God & said, Yes, its true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving & 5% are being good. God was not pleased. So while He was debating what to do about the 95%, He  decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?
     
No?
I didn't get one either.....

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'!!!"

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!  What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.  As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.  He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.  He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.   

At that instant the Atheist cried out:  "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:  "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

Said the voice. "Very well,"

The light went out.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord.  Amen."

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

The Monastery on a Cliff

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."

 
 
Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

I'm fine

  Subject In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine?'" asked the lawyer.

  Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

  "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine?'"

  Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

  The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the

 Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he  is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

  By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his  favorite
mule, Bessie."

  Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was  driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was  thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole  Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman  came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he shot her between the  eyes.

  Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

 "Now what would you say?"

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."   "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE C HILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO. MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

Shhhhh!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had
to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the
Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a
religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the
Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to
stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not
speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was
decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and
raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe
pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a
communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an
apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the
debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what
had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to
show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I
do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe,
asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews
have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'.
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said
to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

Ride To The Airport
 ====================
 
 Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast
 and was taking a limousine to the airport.
  
 Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could
 drive for a while.  The chauffeur didn't really have much of a
 choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Rev. Graham took
 the wheel.
  
 He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
 
 Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his
 rearview mirror.
  
 He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
 
 When the trooper saw who it was, he said,
 "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."
  
 The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
 
 He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I
 need to know what to do."
  
 The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"
 The trooper said, "No, even more important."
 
 "It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
 
 "No, even more important," replied the trooper.
 
 "It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
 
 "No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
  
 "Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
 
 The trooper responded: "I don't really know for sure
 but I think it might be Jesus,
 
 because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"

The Green Light

I was sitting at a stop light this morning. The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not obey its command - a green light is a commandment NOT a suggestion. When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up ) screaming epithets and beating on my steering wheel.

My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, gun drawn, tapping on my window. Against my protestations of, "You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his.

After about two hours in a holding cell, the arresting officer advised me I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."

The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, "What a jerk. But there is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car. Then I noticed the 'Cross' hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Choose Life' license tag, and the 'Jesus is coming Soon' bumper sticker, and I thought you must have stolen the car".


The Old Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."                                                                        E-Mail from a friend  

Talking Dog
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the 
owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black 
mutt just sitting there. 
"You talk?" he asks. 
"Yep," the mutt replies. 
"So, what's your story?" 
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help 
the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from 
country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog 
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. 
But soon the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I 
wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security 
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible 
dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. 
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, 
"Ten dollars." 
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" 
The owner replies, 
"Because he's such a liar.  He didn't do any of that stuff."

New Virus.....

Just got this in from a reliable source
It seems that there is a virus out there
called the Senile Virus that even the
most advanced programs from Norton
cannot take care of, so be warned,
it appears to affect those of us
who were born before 1960!

"Symptoms of Senile Virus"

1...Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2...Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3...Causes you to send to wrong person.

4...Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.

5...Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6...Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter. However, the gates are closed. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, so there is an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions...

First: What days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me you answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter's eyes open wide:  "That's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer." How about the next one, how many seconds in a year?" asks St. Peter.

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "shoot, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd....."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Last question: Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure" Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with Andy as God's first name?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, "Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song......


ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run..."

Seen on a Church sign:

We Care About You

Sundays 10 a.m. Only!

The Cab Driver and the Preacher  (From Christian Humor and Advice)
 
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to
St.Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for
the
cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and
to
proceed into Heaven.
 
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these
proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter.  Upon
scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his
brow
and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden
staff."
 
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth.
You
gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher
than a cabby."
 
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in
results.
When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people
prayed."

These bloopers actually appeared in Church bulletins. Enjoy!


"The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus".

"Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."

"Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons."

"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days."

"The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

"Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch."

"The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility."

"This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."

"The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict."

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

"Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

"Don't let worry kill you, let the church help."

"Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow."

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice."

"Song 258: When We All Get To Heave (stand)"

"Catholic Daughters Christmas Party. Please bring two small gifts. Members are invited to bring husbands of a friend."

"The Christian Education Appreciation Dinner will be Thursday. The Dinner will be gin at 6:00 P.M." "Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance."

"The Reverend Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience."

"The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."

"The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."

"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

"The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door."

"Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's A Terrible Experience."

"Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

"Stewardship Offertory: Jesus Paid It All."

"The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."

In the church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is Good! Dr. Hargreaves is better."

Brought to you by... Calvary Temple Assembly Of God
Greenville, Illinois

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, insightful witnesses...

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The youngest son, the 23 year old, how old is he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Were you alone or by yourself?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Did he kill you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"She had 3 children, right?"
"Yes"
"How many were boys?"
"None"
"How many were girls?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
"Yes"
"And these stairs, did they go up also?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
"By death."
"And by who's death was it terminated?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Can you describe the individual?"
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
"Was this a male or female?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a desposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
"Oral."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
"No."
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
"No."
"Did you check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
"No."
"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Brought to you by...
Roger Sanders' Homepage

A pastor was in the habit of reading every word of his sermons - which were rather long and tedious.  One of the congregation thought to cure him of this, and, before the service, slipped into the pulpit and removed one page at random.
The preacher began.  After a while he reached the point where the page was gone.   "And Adam said unto Eve..."  He paused.   "And Adam, err, said unto Eve...There seems to be a leaf missing!" from humor sermon

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old

pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled

up a bucket full of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of

sight, and began dividing the nuts. One for you, one for me.

One for you, one for me said one boy. Several were

dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another

boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the

cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he

heard, "one for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's

Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the

bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling

along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I

heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing

up souls." The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's

hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man

hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "one

for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man

whispered "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we

can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered

through the fence, yet were unable to see anything. The old man

and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter

and tighter as they tried to get a glmpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And last one for

you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and

we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. Christian humor

A burglar breaks into a house late at night and is creeping across the pitch

black sitting room when he suddenly hears someone say, "Watch out Jesus is behind

you!". He quickly flicks on his torch to see a parrot in front of him. He breathes a

sigh of relief when again the parrott says, "Watch out Jesus is behind you!" The

burglar smiles asks the parrott, "What's your name?" The parrot replies, "Moses."

The burglar laughs and says, "What person would call a parrot Moses?" and the

parrot replies, "The same one that named a rottweiler Jesus!" Christian humor

The Funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,
the husband cries out, "Don't bump into the wall!" Christian humor

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it." humor archive

author unknown

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as  the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds.  Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone.  Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.  Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. 

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.  I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body.  The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope! cleanlaughs

REASONS NOT TO WASH

If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time cleanlaughs

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." (stamps)

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" (stamps)

A young pastor, fresh from the seminary, was asked by a local funeral director to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends.  Of course, he agreed.

Taking his duties very seriously, the pastor started early the next morning to the cemetery.  However, he quickly got himself lost and made several wrong turns.  When he finally arrived (over an hour late), the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the workmen were eating lunch.  He got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave.  Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place.  With a sigh, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say, "Maybe we should tell him it's a septic tank." kingsville

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed a little boy was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.  The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside the boy.

"Good morning, son," the pastor said.

"Good morning, pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.  After a moment he looked up at the pastor and asked, "Pastor, what's this?"

"Well son, these are all the members of our congregation who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together and stared at the large plaque.

The little boy’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Did they die at the 8:30 service or the 11:00 service?" kingsville

BILLS

A $1 bill and a $50 bill were about to be shredded for old age.  Reflecting on its life, the $50 bill said, "You know, I've had a great time of it.  I've been to Paris, Disney World, Las Vegas -- you name it."

"You were lucky," said the $1 bill.  "The only places I ever got to see were the Methodist Church, the Lutheran Church, and the Catholic Church."

"A church?" the $50 bill asked.  "What's that?" kingsville

This guy comes to the pharmacy and asks for a vial of cyanide.

The pharmacist, trying to keep up a professional
posture, asks the customer what he might need it for.

"Oh" says the guy, "I want to poison my wife".

"I am sorry Sir," says the pharmacist "but you will
have to understand that, under these circumstances, it
is impossible for me to sell you the cyanide."

The guy reaches in to his wallet and pulls out a picture of his wife
and quietly lays it on the sales counter.

The pharmacist blushes and politely remarks "I'm sorry
Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription".

PRAISE THE LORD

     An elderly lady was well known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"

     Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

     Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

     The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Praise the Lord."

     The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

     The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!" humor

IF JESUS CAME TO DO HIS EARTHLY
MINISTRY TODAY

     If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth in today's politically correct society, He would be wanted by...

    From MIKEY'S FUNNIES, brought to you by Mike Atkinson @ YOUTH SPECIALTIES
     To subscribe, go to http://www.YouthSpecialties.com/special/lists.html

Dear Billy joe Bob,

I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning,but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

                                                                                                                                            Your Favorite Aunt telejoke

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.

About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."

The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes". telejoke

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." humor

Two men apply for a gravediggers job, and have to go and see the Vicar for an interview. The first man, a Christian, goes in and the Vicar asks him some questions, then finally he asks "Who lived in the Garden of Eden". The first man replied, "Adam and Eve, of course". The Vicar then asks him to wait outside whilst he interviews the second man, a non-Christian. The second man asks the first man if there's any religious questions, and the first man says, "yes, the answer's Adam and Eve". The second man looks downcast; "I'll never remember that" he said. "Write it on your spade and take it in with you, it'll make you look prepared for the job". The second man goes into the interview, and when the Vicar asks him "Who lived in the Garden of Eden", he glances down at the spade and replies "Black and Decker". humor

A new Christian heard from someone that in times of trouble it was good to close your eyes, open the Bible anywhere and put your finger down on the page, and you'd get a scripture to help you in your situation. One particularly bad night he tried this, and he put his finger on "Judas went and hung himself". Confused, he tried again, and got "Go and do likewise". In frustration, he tried again and got "Whatever you do, do it quickly". At that point, he gave up, afraid of what might come next. humor

Two old friends meet. "How's your husband?" said one. "Oh, he's an angel," she replied. "You're lucky," said the other, "mine's still alive." humor

Adam and Eve

What do you mean, who drew us? Come on, you don't believe we were drawn by an artist, do you? We weren't created, we just evolved from an ink blob on a page, you know, an accident. There's no artist out there...... there can't be........... is there?

"Churchyard maintenance is becoming increasingly difficult and it would be appreciated if parishoners could keep the grass trimmed around their own graves".

In the weekly Church Notices advertising a Jumble Sale: "The Ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the basement of the Church on Friday afternoon".

The Vicar wrote in his parish magazine: "We've been most fortunate this year with our Choirmaster and Organist. Both have been given appointments that will take them away from us".

"The Preacher for next Sunday will be found hanging on the notice board in the porch".

Notice in the kitchen of a Church Hall: "Ladies, when you have emptied the teapot, please stand upside down in the sink".
pulpit

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least:
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize.

The Christian Counter

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