Chapter 8 THE WIFE'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE We have seen most clearly that the husband is to love his wife without reservations of any kind. Regardless of her rebellion, her sinfulness, her unfaithfulness, or anything else, he is to love her as Christ loves the church. He is to faithfully forgive again and again. But what about the wife's relationship to the husband? Because of the problem of unsaved husbands being married to Christian wives appears to be a far more serious and prevalent problem today than that of Christian husbands being married to unsaved wives, we will spend considerably more time with this question. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands..." Is this submission to be without condition or reservation? Surely, if she respects him and he is a man worthy of her respect, she would be submissive to him. But what if he turns out to be a scoundrel, a drunkard, a philandering adulterer, or a wife beater? What then? Is she still to be submissive to him? Does she have to live like a doormat for him to walk all over? This is a very practical question in the light of the terrible way some husbands treat their wives. The Bible speaks very directly and specifically to this question. There is no need to speculate or guess about what she is to do while married to such a husband. First of all, Matthew 18:21-22 applies to her in the same way it applies to her husband. Remember; there the Bible teaches; Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven. If she is a Christian, this passage leaves her no alternative but to forgive again and again as her husband sins against her. A Tyrant Of A Husband God deals more specifically with this problem in I Peter 2 and 3. In I Peter 2:18-24 God deals with the matter of the servant who works for a cruel, ruthless, despotic master. There we read: Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. In these verses God indicates very clearly that it is our mission in life to bear patiently the injustices, the revilings, and the abuse of those who rule over us. We are not to revile in return. We are to realize that God has called us to walk in the footsteps of our Lord. We are to look to Him as our example. And the abuse He endured included His death on the cross. In the opening verses of I Peter 3 God ties the admonishments of I Peter 2 to the wife who is married to an unsaved husband. The Bible exhorts in I Peter 3:1-5: Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word by won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: The important word "likewise" in verse 1 ties these verses of chapter 3 to the instruction which has just been given in chapter 2. Effectively, God is exhorting: "Even as the servant of a cruel master is to patiently endure abuse, so too, the wife who is married to a cruel husband is to patiently endure abuse." Note that verse 1 of chapter 3 is emphasizing that the husband in this case is one who does not obey the Word. That is, he is someone who is in rebellion against God. He, therefore, pays no attention to God's rules which declares that the husband is to love his wife and that he is to forgive her repeatedly. The word "likewise" also implies that he, like the master of I Peter 2, may be unjust, cruel, and a tyrant in the home. Human reason would conclude that if this is the condition in the home, the wife has every right to separate from her husband. No human should have to live under such unhappy, difficult conditions. But God has a different answer. The word "divorce" is not to be a part of the wife's vocabulary. She must make it her business to love her husband as God commands. And because God always wants the very best for the human race, God's laws are the only trustworthy rules to follow. God declares she is to be quietly submissive to her difficult husband. Two principles are being established in I Peter 3:1. The first is that she is not to nag, accuse, or preach to her husband. The second is that she is to be submissive to him. Let us look at each of these principles more closely. The natural God-honoring inclination of the God-fearing wife of an unsaved husband is to desire his salvation. She earnestly desires his salvation, because she knows that apart from salvation her husband is headed for hell. He is under the wrath of God because of his sins. Secondly, she desires his salvation because in the human sense she is embarrassed before her friends and relatives to be married to such a godless husband. Oh, how happy she would be if he would be a believer like the other husbands she see in church every Sunday. Thirdly, she desires his salvation because she knows that it would mean her trauma of being married to a difficult tyrant of a husband would have come to an end. She knows that then her husband would desire the very best for her as he showed his love to her. This would be the new situation, because a believing husband wants to obey God's command to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Thus, there is much at stake as she prays for the salvation of her husband. And she knows that salvation comes by the Word of God and that she herself is commanded by God to be a witness. She seeks every possible occasion to share the Gospel with her husband. Certainly, she reasons, this activity on her part is in accord with the will of God. (Just a reminder: this file can be downloaded, or you can leave your name and address and we will be happy to send this book to you free of charge.) Without A Word But God says, "No!" If her husband is to be saved, he is to be won without the Word. But why would God teach this apparently impossible program? Does God have one means by which He saves normal unbelievers and another program whereby He saves husbands? We know that can't be true. But why, then, this curious admonition that the wife is to be silent? We can begin to understand this language if we see the special condition that prevails in the husband-wife relationship. When we bring the Gospel to others, normally these people know very little about our personal lives. Therefore, all that the unbeliever usually sees is the Gospel itself. But, if a minister preaches from the pulpit, "Thus saith the Lord," while it is a well known fact that he is living in sin, his preaching will have little power. Those who hear him speak only look upon him as a hypocrite. In such a case the elders ought to be dealing with this pastor, even seeking to remove him from his role of pastor, if necessary. Likewise, if we know someone who seems to be an ardent witness of the Godpel, and yet does not live the Gospel, we will not take him seriously. He, too, will be looked upon as a hypocrite. In the husband-wife relationship this problem becomes especially enormous. A church body can know something about the thinking and actions of their pastor, but not everything. An unsaved person may know something about the life of the one witnessing to him, but not everything. But a husband knows more about his wife's thinking and actions than anyone else could possibly know. He has lived, and may still be living with her, in the most intimate relationship. He is with her when she goes to bed and all through the night. He is with her in the morning before she's had her first cup of coffee to settle her nerves. He is with her when she is tense, when she is tired, when she is depressed, and when she is angry. Because of the intimacy of their marriage, he knows by the way she walks, by the way she looks at him, by the way she greets him when he comes home from work, by the way she puts food on the table and by countless other mannerisms, whether she is thinking lovingly or resentfully towards him. Therefore, even though she claims to be such a fine Christian, insisting on going to church, and insisting that her husband repent from his sins and trust Christ as Savior, her husband knows very well that often she lives quite differently from the way she preaches to him. So he is likely to be convinced that whatever Christianity his wife has, he doesn't want it. He senses hypocrisy in his wife. If this is what a Christian is, he does not want to be a Christian. He may not know that the Bible declares that his saved wife should have an earnest desire to forgive him again and again. He may not know that the Bible declares that a saved wife is not to nurse resentful feelings against her husband. He may not know that the Bible exhorts believers to walk very patiently. He may not know that the Bible states that the wife's body belongs to the husband and, therfore, in the bedroom she is to give herself willingly, warmly, and lovingly to him. He may not know that the Bible emphasizes that the wife is to submit to her husband in all things lawful. He may not know that his wife is to accept him as her husband without reservations of any kind. He may not know many or any of these principles. But he does sense that his wife's actions do not measure up to her words. She is telling her husband to go to church, to obey God, to be a better husband. But as he thinks about times his wife has reacted to situations just like any other unbeliever, he becomes convinced she is altogether hypocritical. And his defences against the Gospel become increased if he senses any negative feelings from his wife toward him. As he thinks about his wife's attitude toward him, her resentment toward him, her coldness in the intimacy of the bedroom, her mannerisms and words that suggest very strongly that she would be happier without him as a husband, he knows one thing very well. If this is what being saved is all about, he wants no part of it at all. True, if the husband is doing negative things against the wife, her congregation will look upon her as a loving child of God who unfortunately is married to a beast of a husband. When she is with her friends, when she talks to the pastor, when she sits in church, she appears to be a lovely, devoted wife who dearly loves to do the will of God. But none of these dear people in the congregation can know her as her husband does. They cannot know how cold and resisting she may be in the marriage bed. They cannot know about the resentment she shows toward her husband. They have no way of knowing this wife like her husband knows her. Neither can they know the intense frustration of a husband living with a wife who in the most intimate relationship of the marriage does not practice what she preaches. Therefore in I Peter 3:1 God admonishes the wife to reach her husband's heart by silent submission. Let her very quietly obey God's rules without preaching to her husband. Because of the tremendous intimacy that exists between husband and wife, her actions will speak far louder than any words. Incidently, the same admoniton should apply to the saved husband who is married to an unsaved wife. If the saved husband's intimate lifestyle does not clearly show the fragrance of Christ, his wife will look upon him as a hypocrite; she will not wish to emulate him. Truly, in the intimacy of marriage, the old adage "actions speak louder than words" certainly applies. Returning to the saved wife's relationship to her unsaved husband, let the wife make sure that she accepts her husband without reservation. She should reject any thoughts of wishing she was not married to her husband. She realizes it is a dreadful sin to wish she had married someone else, or to wish that her husband could be like someone else. She knows full well that God has joined her to her husband and he is the only man she is to love and desire as a husband. God Gives The Rules The believing wife earnestly seeks to practice the principles set forth in Philippians 4:8. This verse outlines the kind of thinking that should be going on in the life of the believer. There she reads; Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. She, therefore, asks God's forgiveness when she thinks resentfully of her husband. When her husband sins against her, no matter how often this has been true in her marriage, she gladly forgives him. No matter how her husband treats her, she tries to convey to him that she is glad she is married to him. She can do this honestly because she realizes that since they are married, her life will remain intimately involved with her husband until God Himself takes one of them in death. The impact of this kind of godly behavior on an unsaved husband is bound to be enormous. Even though he is unsaved, he knows that he is wrong when he mistreats his wife. And as he sees her continuing faithfulness to him, her quiet submission, her continuing forgiveness, he will slowly realize that his wife is very special. By God's grace he should begin to relate his wife's beautiful conduct to Christianity. And by God's grace God may use this awareness to begin to open his spiritual eyes. This is the essence of the teaching of this helpful and hopeful verse of I Peter 3:1. However, this kind of patient, submissive conduct toward a tyrant of a husband may not be understood by friends and relatives. Because they may not understand God's laws, they may tempt this dear wife by accusing her of being a "doormat" or a "patsy" or whatever. But because she is truly saved, she has within her an earnest desire to do the will of God. This continuing desire will be an integral part of her life, as I John 2:3-6 teaches. And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments. He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But whoso keepeth his word, in him verily is the love of God perfected: hereby know we that we are in him. He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked. The only time she is to disobey her husband is if he asks her to break God's laws. If he asks her to lie, steal, or engage in sexual activity with someone other than himself, she, of course, must disobey. Such disobedience may bring her husband's wrath on her. However, if she has been the God-fearing, quietly submissive wife God asks her to be, without question her husband's wrath will be greatly reduced from what it might have been had she not been faithfully obeying God's rules by her quiet submission. The Wife's Secret Weapon One area of special concern may arise if her husband forbids her to go to church or engage in other spiritual activities. After all, God commands in Hebrews 10:25: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. Shouldn't she, therefore, disobey her husband when he makes such an unreasonable request? Or, if he forbids her to teach the children the ways of Christ, doesn't God command in Ephesians 6 that children are to be brought up in the fear and nurture of the Lord? What should she do when her husband makes these kinds of demands? A direct answer to these questions cannot be given until other factors are considered. This is so because actions in the wife's life sometimes bring about such distressing confrontations about church. One big factor concerns the fact that the wife has a weapon she can use against her husband for which he has no defense whatsoever. The confrontation concerning church may be his way of getting even with his wife for using this weapon against him. What is this powerful weapon? It is a weapon that the wife may wield without any deliberate malice towards her husband, or she may even employ it consciously to put him in his place. It is not a weapon of physical strength. Ordinarily the wife is physically much weaker than her husband. It is not the weapon of an agile mind whereby she can outwit her husband in some way. Rather, it is the weapon of a lack of submission in the intimacy of the bedroom. Because of its serious nature, we should look at this more closely. Suppose a husband is very thoughtless toward his wife. He may even be quite cruel toward her. She can show her resentment toward him by reacting with cutting remarks, by giving him the silent treatment, or similar treatment accorded to her by her husband. But, if she is truly saved, she realized this kind of conduct is altogether rebellious against God. Nevertheless, all of these types of conduct the husband can deal with. He can be even more threatening. He can become more vicious in his verbal attacks on his wife. He might even resort to beating her. Since everyone who starts a fight wants to win the fight, the husband, too, wants to win. While nothing is resolved by such exchanges between a husband and wife, and the marriage is grievously threatened by them, nevertheless, the husband feels equal to such challenges, insults, and treatment from his wife. Because he normally is physically the stronger of the two, he can feel that in some way he has won. But in the bedroom the wife has a weapon that can drive the husband wild. Even though he may be a cruel, thoughtless husband, he knows that the greatest joy he has ever experienced is when his wife lovingly gave herself to him in the intimacy of the bedroom. It is an intimacy that is far more important to him than he realizes. For God has fused him into one flesh with his wife. Therefore, anything that destroys the joy of that intimacy is a blow to the very center of his manhood. The problem is, however, that in order to experience the joy and wonder of the marriage bed, his wife needs to have warm and loving thoughts toward her husband. But when fighting has been going on, the wife feels defeated before this tyrant of a husband and she finds herself incapable of reacting with loving submission to his advances in the marriage bed. She may even try to avoid the marriage bed altogether; or if it looks like it can't be avoided, she may be cold and unresponsive to his advances. Soon she learns that nothing bewilders, hurts, and frustrates her husband more than her lack of loving submission to his advances. And because she can not win the shouting match, she can not win the test of physical strength, she may opt for a miserable pleasure in the fact that in the bedroom she can be the winner. This is so because nothing her husband does of a negative nature can force her to change. He can threaten, bully, or beat her, but all this only makes his wife even more unresponsive to his advances and as a result deepens his own frustrations and anger. Without realizing it, the wife is laying the groundwork for another day of estrangement, quarreling, silent treatment, or cruelty which the husband uses to try to get even for the tremendous battle he just lost in the bedroom. True, the husband and wife are not rationally thinking about what is happening. They are only reacting with the intuition of the sinful tendencies that dwell within them. It is at such a point that the husband may try to strike back to even the score. What can he take from his wife that she loves the most? Aha! She is a Christian and is always making a big point of going to church, or listening to Family Radio, or reading the children Bible stories. These activities seem to bring the greatest pleasure to his wife. He, therefore, knows how he can really hurt her. He will forbid her from going to church. He will forbid her from listening to Family Radio, and so on. All the members of the congregation can see is an unregenerate tyrant of a husband who is in rebellion against God. They, of course, haven't the slightest idea of what is going on in the marriage bed. Meanwhile, the wife can go about appearing to be a martyr and receiving the sympathies of her friends. She may not even realize that her conduct in the marriage bed (as legitimate and logical as it may seem to her) is reprehensible to God. She is violating God's rule that she is to be in quiet submission to her husband. She is violating God's rule that she is to continuously forgive her husband. She is violating God's rule that her body belongs to her husband. In fact, this weapon of unresponsiveness in the marriage bed should never be used. It will drive the husband into the arms of another woman quicker than anything else. It will serve to destroy the marriage more quickly than anything else. This is so because it is tampering with God's design of making the two one flesh. On the other hand, let's consider the wife who loves the Lord and is living by God's rules. Her unsaved husband may begin to wonder, "How can I be married to such a wonderful, forgiving, thoughtful woman?" He may become increasingly embarrassed by his own thoughtlessness and cruelty. So when she asks if she can go to church on Sunday, he has no reason to deny her. He doesn't need to get even with her. One could logically ask at this point, "Are you saying that all the problems of marriage begin in the marriage bed?" The answer is that they may not necessarily begin there. But it is there that they can be greatly advanced. And it is also there they can to a very high degree become solved. True, the idea of becoming one flesh with one's spouse embraces much more than just the marriage bed. But it is there that it is the most obvious that the two become one flesh. that is why it is one of the most sensitive areas in the marriage relationship. Before we leave the matter of the Christian wife's relationship to her unsaved husband, we should emphasize one other problem that is common to this situation. At the time this lady married her husband she was quite sure she loved him. But after the honeymoon was over, and after living with him in the confines and intimacy of the marriage relationship, she found that he had many qualities she did not like at all. He made unwise decisions. He was self-centered. He squandered the money that should have been used to buy groceries. He was lazy. He couldn't hold a job. She found that all her dreams about a pretty white house with a beautiful picket fence around it would never be realized. Worse than that, he began to run after other women. He even became a drunkard. Isn't There A better Answer? At this point there arise many questions that demand an answer. Must she remain married to this man? Isn't she entitled to something better than this? Is her entire life to be enslaved to this man who has turned out to be so miserable in so many ways? The Bible's answer comes back clear and strong: "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder." The Bible insists that she has been fused into one flesh with this man. He is her husband. He is not just any man. He is her husband. His life is her life and her life is his life. She is to live out her life in quiet submission to him. True, she is to skillfully and lovingly encourage him. She is to try to help him see his potentials. But she cannot nag him. She cannot boss him. She cannot threaten him. The ideas of separation or divorce must never even enter her thoughts. Again we are reminded of the old marriage form: I, Jane, take thee, John to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth. The violation in thought of this basic principle that marriage cannot be broken is the major root of so many divorces today. As long as a husband or a wife thinks in his or her mind,"I will love you as long as you are worthy of my love," the disaster of divorce hovers over that marriage. It is the husband's responsibility to love his wife without reservation. And it is the wife's responsibility to love her husband without reservation. Oh, if only husbands and wives could realize the importance of this principle. The husband must make it his business to love his wife, wanting the very best for her. The wife must make it her business to lovingly live in quiet submission to her husband. Each must accept the other totally and fully as part of their life as long as they live. As illogical, as irrational, as foolish as these principles may appear to the secular mind, they nevertheless are the principles laid down by God Himself. If we disobey them, it is to our own hurt. If we obey them as a child of God, we can know that we have God's blessings, and that is everything! The Problem Of Children In regards to the marriage bed another point should be made that can be very helpful. It relates to the changes that develop when children are born into the family. When two people become married, there is a wonderful joy that is experienced by both the husband and the wife. Often, the husband relates most intensively to this because he feels that he is "number one." The wife, in her love for her husband, gladly bestows her attention and her affection on him. He in turn responds by showing great consideration and affection for his wife. Of course, the beginning of a marriage will not be without problems. The wife at times will have great difficulty in submitting her will to that of her husband. The transition from being a single, independent person to being bound to a husband requires great adjustments in any woman's life. But nevertheless, she has her husband and she wants to be the very best wife. Likewise, the husband at times may feel burdened by the new responsibilities of having a wife. He, too, has left the freedoms of the single state. Now he feels fettered to his wife. He knows he should always care for her and always want the best for her. But consciously or unconsciously, he may still have moments when he wishes he did not have the responsibility of a wife. And so there will be times of misunderstanding and even of quarreling. But still, they have each other, and each one is still number one in the eyes of the other. But then the first baby comes. The husband is so proud. Just think! He is the father. And the wife is radiant with the joy of becoming a mother. But along with this beautiful baby comes another problem. The wife is "oh, so happy" in her motherhood. But a great amount of her time, energy, and affection must be given to this precious infant. And she feels tremendously fulfilled as she showers her love and affection on her baby. The husband, too, loves his new baby. But soon, he begins to realize he is no longer number one. This new baby has become number one in his wife's love and affection. If he is mature in his responsibilities, he will understand that there is much more to marriage than just having a loving, submissive wife. One of the most important aspects of marriage is the bringing forth of children. It is God's method of continuing the human race so that God's purposes can be worked out on this earth. In other words, two people who marry each other should understand that a major obligation of marriage is the matter of children. True, by using birth control devices married couples can avoid or delay the responsibility of children. But the sinful practice of birth control is not the subject of this study. Presently we are concerned primarily with the fact that a difficult problem can arise when the babies come. If the husband is immature in this matter (and most husbands are, to some degree), this problem can have devastating results in the marriage. He no longer is the center of his wife's attention. While his wife still loves him and submits herself to his attentions, it seems that she always has the baby on her mind. A competitor is in the house, competing for his wife's affections. And she is gladly sharing her affections with this little competitor. And then the second baby comes. Now the wife's attention is even further diverted from her husband. The demands of caring for the children, in addition to all of the other domestic responsibilities, leave little energy and concern for the marriage bed. Now the husband feels more left out than ever. His manhood is being terribly threatened. His wife seems to have become much less responsive to his needs. It seems there is nothing he can do about it. Wonderfully, in many marriages the husband recognizes his own selfishness and realizes that he must focus his eyes upon his own responsibilities as a parent rather than on his selfish desires with his wife. And in these cases the family ties are actually strengthened by the arrival of children. But infortunately, in some marriages the husband does not see his selfishness. All he knows is that he has a wife who does not submit to him the way she did when they were first married. He, therefore, begings to withdraw from his wife. He begins to spurn the intimacies of the marriage bed. Because his wife is so busy loving and caring for the children, she does not always sense the change in her husband. In fact, she may even thank that he has grown somewhat tired of the marriage bed and that he actually welcomes the extended periods during which there is little intimacy. She fails to realize that her husband's pride is being severely damage. He is withdrawing because he cannot stand the frustration of having a wife whom he believes is not entirely submissive to him. The outcome of this situation is frequently one of alienation between the husband and the wife. The husband may spend long hours away. He may concentrate his attention on his business, or his hobbies, or his friends. Perhaps the time even comes when separate bedrooms become a way of life for these unhappy parents. In our day the prevalence of divorce suggests that divorce will only be a little way down the road for such a couple. The wife, who loves her children and her husband, does not understand that her child of a husband feels that he must always be number one in his wife's affections. She doesn not realize that with the coming of children she needs to demonstrate in a special way that her love and submission to her husband always comes first in her life. True, if a wife sees her husband pouting or acting selfishly, there is a tremendous temptation on her part to feel offended and to withdraw from her husband. But this kind of action often only intensifies the problem. Instead of just one person acting sinfully in the marriage relationship, now both are acting sinfully. And sin is always destructive. Its outcome is always negative and detrimental to those involved. It must be noted, of course, that the husband is no less responsible to maintain the marriage relationship in a God-glorifying way than is the wife. Because he is the head of the home, he has an even greater responsibility than the wife. Therefore, when he reacts jealously and selfishly to his wife's affection for their children, his sin is very great. He stands altogether guilty before God. Wonderfully, many husbands sense their responsibility toward their families. Those families are therefore blessed in many ways. But what can a wife do who finds that her husband is clearly not as close to her as he was during the early days of their marriage? If she can begin to understand the stress that the coming of the children has placed on her immature husband, she can go a long way in correcting the problem. Because God has ordained that the husband and wife are to live together in the greatest possible intimacy, the wife who discovers that her husband is beginning to withdraw from that special intimacy should be greatly concerned. While her husband may never admit his frustration or his hurt pride, the wife should nevertheless make sure that her attention to her children and to her domestic duties does not help develop this withdrawal in her child husband. Because the wife finds great fulfillment as a mother, the intimacies of the marriage bed are usually not as needful in her life as they are in the life of her husband. Therefore, she must be especailly alert to withdrawal signs in her husband. Such action on the part of the husband can signal that very difficult times are coming for their marriage. The wife, therefore, must realize that it is very important for her child husband to be number one in the marriage relationship. Prayerfully, patiently, tenderly, consistently she should convey to her husband her faithful love for him. Little gestures, loving looks, a touch, all the things that were so important during courtship and the honeymoon should remain in evidence. If the estrangement has greatly advanced, it may take much time before the husband will sense again the love and devotion his wife has for him. Moreover, because his ardor has become like ice, the wife will need much of God's grace to persistently continue in her efforts to rekindle desire in his heart. But we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. To show her love to her husband is entirely in agreement with God's Word. Therefore, as God strengthens her, she is to continue her efforts to show her love to him in every way possible. Thus far, our study has shown us the immense responsibility that marriage is. We should now look briefly at the matter of courtship as preparation for marriage. This we will do in our next chapter. Chapter 9 COURTSHIP We have looked at a few of the problems that may occur in the marriage relationship, seeing some of the enormous difficulties a husband and a wife may face in their marriage. It should be obvious that if both spouses are truly saved, the tensions of marriage will be greatly diminished. Even in the case of unsaved couples, God in His mercy frequently restrains sin to the degree that they can live together in relative happiness and contentment. But in this study we have been looking at the marriage where the tensions have developed to the point that divorce is looming on the horizon. When this situation occurs the unsaved couple has little to help them. Their parents' desires, peer pressure from friends, or a feeling of responsibility toward their children may help keep the marriage going for a while, but because neither spouse recognizes the authority of the Bible, and because their world increasingly condones divorce, the reasonable expectation for this marriage is, unfortunately, divorce. On the other hand, if one of the spouses is truly a child of God, the expectation for this marriage is much brighter. By God's grace, if the husband is saved, he can do much to protect the continuation of the marriage. By following God's rules he can do much to protect the integrity of his marriage. Likewise, if the wife is a true child of God, she can be very effective in maintaining the continuation of her marriage. Of course, the task facing the saved spouse of an unsaved partner who is exceedingly disagreeable to live with is indeed formidable. No individual in their own strength can face some of the difficulties that can arise. Only God's grace can sustain them through very stressful situations. But God's grace is sufficient. God has given very beautiful and certain promises that can be depended upon entirely. God has promised He will never leave us nor forsake us. God has committed Himself to the principle that all things work together for good for those who love Him (cf. Romans 8:28). The believer has the assurance that he can bring all his anxieties to his heavenly Father and receive the peace that passes understanding. He knows that God is able to change the situation overnight. He is quite aware that the difficulties being faced are a part of God's plan for his life. In fact, the believing spouse will discover that the continuing problems arising from being married to an unsaved spouse only cause the believer to trust God more and more. He will not have the wisdom or the strength in himself to continue in the face of the seemingly mountainous difficulties being faced, but how wonderful to know that all of the problems and frustrations can be poured out in prayer to a God who dearly loves His child. With secure knowledge that God in heaven is still in charge, this child of God can face tomorrow. One of the wonders of God's grace that will grow increasingly clear to the believing spouse is the fact that this earthly life is not "the big picture." We are only here for a few short years. Our time here is like a drop in the ocean compared with the eternity we will spend in the New Heaven and New Earth. Therefore, whatever the trauma that must be faced, it will have an end. And following that welcome end is a life in which there is no suffering nor sorrow nor unhappiness ever again. Moreover, the saved spouse needs to be keenly aware that the unsaved spouse is on the way to hell. While he may appear to be "getting away" with his selfishness, this is not so at all. The unsaved spouse is to be pittied to the highest possible degree. If he dies without becoming saved, every one of his sins must be paid for. And the payment God demands is eternal damnation. On the other hand, even though the saved spouse may suffer greatly, the spiritual blessings already enjoyed, along with the certainty of eternity with our Lord, emphasize the fact that the saved spouse has everything on his side. Take Care Who You Date But what steps can be taken to insure a biblical marriage in the first place? The potential awfulness of a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever is so great that a word of caution must be directed to those who are thinking about marriage. How careful must a person be who is unmarried and who is becoming romantically inclined toward someone? The answer is that he must be exceedingly careful. As we have learned, when two people have become married, the wife is bound to the husband as long as they live. The words "separation" and "divorce" should never be a part of their vocabulary. Therefore, it is of absolute importance that each knows as much about the other as possible before marriage. Dating and engagement, as we know it in our land, is designed to provide time to acquire this knowledge. Obviously, if a person discovers that the other person is divorced and their spouse is still living, then it is very foolish to date that person. Even if the divorced person has become a beautiful child of God, marriage should not take place. Even if the divorce took place before this person became saved, there cannot be remarriage. Therefore, it would be exceedingly reckless to date such a person. It would only be placing a huge temptation before both persons. Likewise, when two people become romantically interested in each other, it is imperative that they pay careful attention to the spiritual condition of the potential partner. How awful it would be if one person only seemed to be saved and after the honeymoon was over the saved spouse discovered that their mate was unsaved. If on the first few dates the saved person does not find any substantial evidence that the other person is a child of God, then dating should cease. Romantic love has a way of blinding people more than they are willing to admit. Because an unsaved person, who seems to be interested in the things Christian people are interested in, can still have very many attractive qualities, it is very easy to focus only on attractive qualities. Many a wife who has discovered after the wedding that she was married to an unsaved husband had not been careful enough when she dated. She may have realized at first that all was not spiritually well with this handsome man she was dating, but as she became increasingly attracted to him, she began to rationalize about what he could eventually become. Surely, he does show a lot of interest in church, she reasons. Surely, her influence is so great in his life that even if he is not already saved, as she witnesses to him and prays for him, he will eventually become saved. Meanwhile, she is becoming more and more blinded by her romantic love. She has already violated two very important rules. First, dating, engagement, and marriage are not missionary endeavors. If she wants to minister to the unsaved, there are thousands of people all around her who need her witness. But the arena of romance is not the place for missionary work. It is designed to provide, by God's grace, a godly marriage. This must remain the single focus of the dating agreement. True, there are some instances wherein a child of God has had the glad experience of seeing their steady date become saved. But these unusual exceptions provide no sould basis for this kind of exception. Too many emotions are involved in romantic love. Unless there is clear, immediate and continuing evidence that the one being dated is already a child of God, the only wise action is to cease dating. The reason for this is quite evident. Suppose at the inception of dating there is good evidence that one person is not a child of God. But the dates continue because many attractive qualities can be seen in the one being dated. The Christian knows the importance of salvation and so encourages the unsaved person to read the Bible, to pray, and to attend church. Because the unsaved person is falling in love with the saved person, he increasingly tries to please her. She, as the saved person, will become more and more convinced that God's Spirit is working in the heart of her steady date. After all, why else is he beginning to attend church so faithfully? Why does he appear to have become so interested in the Bible? True, at times he says or does things that are quite alien to a saved person. But because she is falling in love with him, she overlooks her fears, trying to see only God's grace in his life. Even when parents and friends express concern, she will not listen. Because she has fallen in love, she has convinced herself that God's grace is present in his life. Moreover, she is sure that after they are married he will grow even faster in the things of the Lord. So they marry each other. Now he has her as his wife. By the time the honeymoon is over he knows he does not have to try as hard to please her. Because going to church and studying the Bible are boring to him, he will soon cease doing these things altogether. The happy bride eventually discovers to her utter consternation that she is married to an unsaved husband. She realizes, too that she is married to him until death parts them. But because her husband does not recognize God's rules against divorce, there is a strong likelihood that when he gets tired of living with a wife who puts such a high premium on going to church and reading the Bible, he will seek a divroce. This may even come when the family has grown to include children. And so the believing wife becomes divorced. According to the Bible, she may never marry again as long as her husband is living. But in his rebellion against God he marries someone else, and she is left with the heavy responsibility of rearing the children. Unfortunately this sad scenario is being repeated again and again in our day in actual life situations. If only those who are free to marry would realize the enormous consequences of marriage! One can never be too careful in deciding who to date. Some may argue that dating is quite innocent, and that it does not necessarily have to be pointing to marriage. But the fact is that all dating, however innocuous, superficial and innocent it may appear to be, is a preliminary step toward marriage. Ordinarily, every marriage begins with a first date. It is a ritual that is engaged in to prepare for a successful marriage. Therefore, during courtship the chief focus should be on spiritual concerns. Serious questions should be faced such as: What is salvation? What does it mean to be born again? What is the true Gospel? If we should marry, what church would we attend? If God gave us children, what about baptism? What about the education of those children? What kind of school would we try to send them to? What is the wife's chief role in marriage? Is she to be first an assistant breadwinner and then a keeper of the home? Or is she first to be a keeper of the home and assist as a breadwinner only if it does not interfere with her duties at home? What about family devotions? What about the responsibility of giving to God's work? What about the use of birth control measures? Etc., etc. All such questions should be faced and settled before marriage. By facing these questions, at least two goals will be realized. First of all, it will provide a forum for the examination of the spiritual sensitivities of each person. Two people may each be convinced the other person is a child of God, but if agreement cannot be realized on these issues, it may raise serious doubts as to the advisability of marriage. These are all matters of serious concern in the life of a true child of God. Therefore, to enter into the intimate, binding relationship of marrige with basic disagreements on these issues may be exceedingly dangerous. If the two disagree on these issues during courtship, the disagreements are sure to intensify during marriage. On the other hand, by honestly and openly facing these issues before marriage, a solid foundation can be laid for a happy, God-glorifying marriage. If there is honest agreement on these matters, both will enter into marriage secure in the knowledge that harmony will prevail. Hopefully we have come to an understanding of what is likely to bring about a more perfect marriage union. But what about those who divorced before they were saved? Are they free to remarry? What about those who are already married a second or third time? Are they to divorce their wives in order to become more biblical? We will look at these question in our next and final chapter. Continued in JOINED5.TXT