Do Singles Fit in the Church  by Carolyn Koons

   In the church singleness is misunderstood and often feared. They
hear comments like, "So you guys are going to a singles' retreat...
maybe you'll find someone there." Or, "I've got a cousin you should
meet..."

   Most singles can't explain their singleness. Some will flaunt it,
but most get defensive about it if pressed.

   In spite of the lack of information and understanding about singles,
we are a major portion of the adult population of North America. There
are 65 million single adults in the U.S. The ratio of married to
singles has radically changed in our countries. The church must also
change its approach to singles if it is to reach them.

   Those making the biggest impact on our economy today are the
singles. In the U.S. singles have become a $200 billion per year
industry. More singles buy homes than married people. They buy little
coffee-makers or small microwave ovens. Restaurants are geared toward
them. Television commercials focus on them. You have dating services
for different aged singles, singles' literature, and cars designed
specifically for singles.

   WHERE IS THE CHURCH?

   Where is the church in all this? Is the church aiming to meet the
needs of singles? Are singles flocking into the churches?

   By and large, the majority of evangelical churches don't understand
singles and singles are not going into those churches. Most churches
target the "model family" which includes a non-divorced husband and
wife, two or more children, a working father and a homemaking mother.
But that family constitutes only 5% of the North American homes. Many
evangelical groups don't know or understand what has happened in this
area, so they are missing a major portion of people around them who
need the Gospel.

   People still think that singles make up only 3% of the population as
was true in the early part of this century. But we now make up 48% of
the population! We must educate people so singles can find churches
that understand them, minister to them, and provide areas in which they
can serve.

   SINGLES' STRUGGLES

   In a nationwide study singles and married people were asked, "What
do you feel are the biggest struggles that singles deal with. List
five."

   According to married people, the biggest struggle singles deal with
is sexuality.

   But according to singles, the biggest struggle is to be so often
left out, socially eliminated, not included.

   You see, in the church we have events like family camp, and the
single doesn't quite fit in. There are couples' banquets and sweetheart
dinners. There are mother/daughter banquets and father/son events.
After a church service all the couples get together and go out for
pie... and where does the single fit?

   A single says to the couples heading for the pie shop, "Hey, I want
to go too. Please invite me."

   With their words or tone they reply, "There is a singles group. You
should join them."

   Then the single thinks, "But I don't want to go with the singles. I
need to be around you married people. In fact, you need to be around
me, also."

   The single wants to feel included. Let's consider a couple who
regularly attend the young married Sunday School class. Then for some
terrible reason they get a divorce. After months of grieving the young
woman comes back to church and gingerly walks into the class she used
to attend and felt a part of. Someone sits down beside her and after a
few minutes conversation says, "You know, you'd probably feel more
comfortable in the singles' class down the hall." She hangs her head
and shuffles off to a class of people she doesn't know.

   In Christian education we love to divide people into their age or
interest group. I feel that we need to start erasing all those lines
and little departments we've created. Yes, we need conferences for
singles, for marrieds, and for the older people. But the church has got
to start bringing us together again.

   The second struggle singles report is developing friendships. They
go out with someone of the opposite sex and people immediately start
putting them together. People will ask, "Is something going on between
you two?"

   The single replies, "No, we're just friends." Then comes the
comment, "Yeah, that's what they all say."

   This kind of talk makes it difficult for singles to meet friends.
Singles don't have family, so they need friends who can be family to
them.

   The third struggle, singles say, is financial pressure. Because they
don't have two wage earners in the home, many singles must work two
jobs. Generally, single women have lower wages. And if you consider the
single parent, the picture becomes grim.

   If a woman is married with children, then suffers a divorce, her
socio-economic status plummets 75% from what it was before. A high
percentage of single female parents end up on welfare. For the divorced
male the socio-economic status often rises 75%.

   Can local churches help this situation? Perhaps there is an upcoming
retreat for singles, but many singles can't afford the cost. The
congregation could establish a scholarship fund to help them attend.
(Heb 13:3)

   The fourth struggle singles report is single parenting. Nearly 25%
of all households today are single parent homes. Half of all children
born now will end up in single parent families.

   The singles mentioned sexual pressure in fifth place. Of course it
is there. How does the single, who feels socially eliminated,
experiences financial pressure and the need for friendly relationships
meet his or her inter-personal needs? How do they express affection
while holding to Christian standards?

   In most singles groups they do a lot of hugging. They need someone
to touch them, to let them know they are loved.

   WHAT CAN THE CHURCH DO?

   First, we've got to redefine our mission. Just because we've in the
past approached something a certain way doesn't mean that's the way we
always have to do it. There are a lot of broken people out there. They
shouldn't have to go to the singles bars, or to the health clubs in an
attempt to find wholeness. These hurting people need to be put back
together by the church in the love of Jesus Christ. (Luke 7:34; 1 Cor.
6:9-11)

   But unforgiving attitudes in the church are often part of the
problem. The local church can and should be in the ministry of healing
and wholeness.

   Second, the church can create new patterns of ministry. Instead of
putting people into niches--the youth here, the singles there, the
senior citizens there--we should erase those dividing lines. Be
creative and put the church back together! (1 Cor. 12:12-26)

   Third, redefine our term "family." Instead of mother/daughter
banquets, we'll have banquets for which older women can "adopt" a girl.
Instead of a father/son camp-out, we'll have a camp-out that includes
every man and every boy.

   We can make sure everybody goes into the event equally. "Family"
should include single parent families, extended families, expanded
families, step families, blended families, etc. (Rom. 15:5-9)

   Fourth, we'll have to break down the barriers between marrieds and
singles. We often try to keep these groups apart because we watch too
many romantic soap operas on television. In the Christian community we
must develop a holy wholeness that allows people to grow together. (1
Tim. 5:1-2)

   Fifth, we must provide opportunities for people to use their gifts,
and not require that everyone be married. This will free up many
spiritually gifted singles. Singles are the most untapped resource for
ministry in the local church.

   We've stereotyped singles as irresponsible, so we tend not to put
them into positions of responsibility. You can make them responsible by
giving them a task and expecting them to do it. Hang in there with
them! (Col. 4:17)

   Sixth, the church must be a place of refuge for singles. If a person
has to move, all the singles can help her move. This person needs a car
fixed, so all the singles get together and repair it. They can take
care of each other.

   Actually, the whole church needs to become a place of refuge in this
decade. We can form a loving community, taking care of each other,
working together like an extended family. We need each other. The Lord
Jesus wants us to care for each other in His fellowship, in His
community. (John 13:34-35; Gal. 6:9-10)

   Finally, the church must develop deep spiritual power in order to
survive the 90s. Some singles groups start out with the fellowship
stuff and try to wing it spiritually. That won't work. Start heavy on
the Bible and scriptural ideas. That will draw singles in, and it will
build a solid foundation for a singles ministry. (Heb. 5:11-14)

   In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul said, "I wish that everybody could get
along without marrying, just as I did." What? I've never heard that
preached from the pulpit. Paul wished that everyone were single. But
we're not. To some God gives the gift of being a husband or a wife. And
that's a gift!

   Printed in INTEREST, May 1990. Carolyn Koons, executive director of
the Institute of Outreach Ministries at Azusa Pacific College, lives in
Glendora, California. This article is adapted from a singles seminar
she gave at Decade of Promise.