Love, Marriage and Family

Tough love for singles  by Dr. James Dobson 

   Copyright (C) 1986, 
   Focus on the Family 

   INTRODUCTION

   Some marriage-minded singles will try anything to snare a spouse. 
Groveling for the affection of reluctant sweethearts, such suitors
refuse to take "no" for an answer.  Their persistence may not be a sign
of undying devotion; rather it may reveal inhibiting insecurity or low
self-esteem.

   On the following pages, Dr.  James Dobson offers 16 suggestions to
help singles build satisfying romances based on self-confidence and
mutual respect.  In addition, he stresses that "a bad marriage is far
worse than the most lonely  instance of singleness."

   This booklet [that is, text file] is excerpted from Dr.  Dobson's
book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH (Copyright (C) 1983 by Word, Inc.), and is
[was] used by permission.

   TOUGH LOVE FOR SINGLES

   The idea of "loving toughness" is of great relevance to single
adults, especially those who desire to be married.  Some individuals
become so highly motivated to find a mate that they begin to violate
the laws of freedom and respect in romantic relationships.  That is
like turning a fire hose on a flickering flame. All that remains is
black smoke and ashes.

   I heard of one young man who was determined to win the affection of
a girl who refused to even see him.  He decided that the way to her
heart was through the mail, so he began writing her a love letter every
day.  When she did not respond, he increased his output to three notes
every 24 hours.  In all, he wrote her more than 700 letters -- and she
married the postman.

   That is the way the system works.  Romantic love is one of those
rare human endeavors that succeeds best when it requires the least
effort.  Those who work the hardest at it are the most likely to fail. 
And speaking of people who try harder, no one beats a determined young
man named Keith Ruff, whose story was told in the Los Angeles Times,
Feb.  21, 1982. The headline read:

   "MAN SPENDS $20,000 TRYING TO WIN HAND OF GIRL WHO CAN SAY NO."

   A love struck man holed up in a $200-a-day Washington hotel has
spent, at latest estimate, close to $20,000 demonstrating that he won't
take "no" for an answer to his marriage proposal.

   On bended knee on Christmas Day, 35 year old Keith Ruff, once a
stockbroker in Beverly Hills, proposed marriage to 20 year old Karine
Bolstein, a cocktail waitress at a Washington restaurant.  He met her
in a shoe store last summer.  The pair had gone out a few times over
a two month period before the proposal.

   To his proposal, she looked down and said "No."

   Since then, Ruff has remained in Washington and demonstrated his
that she reconsider by sending her everything but a partridge in a pear
tree.

   That may be next.

   He is, he thinks, "close to spending all of my money.  I'm not an
Arab  sheik."

   The tokens of his affection include a Learjet, placed on standby at
the airport, "in case she wanted to ride around"; between 3,000 and
5,000 flowers; a limousine equipped with a bar and television, parked
outsider her door; a gold ring; $200 worth of champagne; catered
lobster dinners; musicians to serenade her; a clown to amuse her
younger brother; a man dressed as Prince Charming bearing a glass
slipper; cookies, candy, and perfume; and sandwich sign wearers walking
around her home and the restaurant where Bolstein works, conveying the
message "Mr Dennis Keith Ruff LOVES Ms.  Karine Bolstein."

   Ruff gave her father a basket of nuts and $300 worth of cigars "to
pass out to his friends at the Labor Department.  It may sound goofy,
but I like  him."

   He also had flowers delivered to his beloved's mother, who works at
the French Embassy.  "I don't think her mother likes me. She called the
police,  but I'll keep sending gifts to her also.  How could anyone be
so mad?"

   Ruff says he has not worked in some time, describing himself as
being of independent means.  He said he will spend his last dime and
will beg for money if he has to, that he will "keep on trying for 10
years, 20 years.  I'll ask her to marry me 50,000 times. It doesn't
matter how many times she says no. I will do everything in my power
that's not absurd or against a reasonable  law.  I wouldn't stop if she
became a nun. I've never felt this way before!"

   Bolstein, meanwhile, said she is flattered, but too young to get
married. She also said the house looks like a funeral parlor.

   Ruff said, "I don't want to force her to love me, but I can't
stop."

   Ruff said he spends a lot of time in his hotel room planning what to
do next and occasionally crying.  He said Bolstein called him once.
"But I hung up on her.  I didn't like what she said."

   Reality to me is disturbing, " he said.  "I'd rather close my eyes
and see her face.  I'm living with hope. And some very big bills."

   There are several things ol' Ruff needs to know about women,
assuming Miss Bolstein hasn't gotten the message across by now.  He
could cry in his hotel room for the next 50 years without generating
the least bit of sympathy from her.  Very few women are attracted to
sniveling men who make donkeys of themselves in view of the whole
world.  Who wants to marry an unambitious weirdo who grovels in the
dirt like a whipped puppy?  Good-bye, romance! Hello, poorhouse.

   On a much smaller scale, of course, the same mistake is made by
singles in other places.  They reveal their hopes and dreams too early
in the game and scare the socks off potential lovers.  Divorcees often
fall into this trap -- especially single women who need a man to
support them and their children. Male candidates for that assignment
are rarities and are sometimes recruited like All-American athletes. 
I've seen no better illustration than the following item, also
appearing in the Los Angeles Times.  It was submitted to Virginia Klein
for use in her column "Living With Divorce":

   Q.: I am a recently divorced, professional man with an unusual
problem.  I hope you can help me.  A woman I dated once called me
before I even had a chance to make a second date with her and wanted to
know why I hadn't called her again.  After our second date she began to
call almost daily with offers for dinner, something funny she'd read
and thought I'd enjoy, etc.  The crazy part is that this same routine
has just started with another woman I'm just beginning to ask out.  If
such behavior is typical, maybe I should have stayed married!  How do I
extricate myself from this frenzied dating and have a nice, quiet
social life?

   Isn't it obvious what is occurring here?  The women being dated by
this "professional man" are chasing him around like a hound after a
rabbit.  And predictably, his natural impulse is to run.  If they are
interested in pulling him toward them, they simply must not invade his
territory.  Instead, they should maintain a sense of decorum in their
responses to him.

   TIPS FOR LOVING TOUGH

   Let me be very specific with those of you who are single but wish
not to be. (No insult is intended to those who are single by design and
wish to remain unmarried.  That is a legitimate choice that should be
respected by friends  and family alike.) I have listed 16 suggestions
that will help you conform to the principles of loving toughness in
matters of the heart.

   1.  DON'T LET THE RELATIONSHIP MOVE TOO FAST IN ITS INFANCY. The
phrase "too hot not to cool down" has validity. Take it one step at a
time.

   2.  DON'T DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL INADEQUACIES AND FLAWS in great
detail when the relationship is new.  No matter how warm and accepting
your friend may be, any great revelation of low self-esteem or
embarrassing weaknesses can be fatal when interpersonal "valleys"
occur. And they will occur.

   3. REMEMBER THAT RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Build it stone upon stone.

   4.  DON'T CALL TOO OFTEN ON THE PHONE or give the other person an
opportunity to get tired of you.

   5.  DON'T BE TOO QUICK TO REVEAL YOUR DESIRE TO GET MARRIED [or
desire for a long term affair for you High Schoolers] -- or that you
think you've just found Mr.  Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your
partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you'll throw him or her
into panic.

   6.  MOST IMPORTANT: RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONSTANTLY BEING "TESTED" by
cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the
hook.  This testing usually involves pulling backward from the other
person to see what will happen.  Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated.
Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call.  Or sometimes
flirtation occurs with a rival. In each instance, the question being
asked is, "How important am I to you and what  would you do if you lost
me?" An even more basic issue lies below that one.  It wants to know,
"How free am I to leave if I want to?" It is incredibly important in
these instances to appear poised, secure and equally independent. Do
not grasp the other person and beg for mercy.  Some people remain
single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation
to grovel when the test occurs.

   7.  EXTENDING THE SAME CONCEPT, keep in mind that virtually every
dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be
moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test.  A breakup will
occur, motivated by one of the lovers.  The rejected individual should
know that their future together depends on the skill with which he/she
handles that crisis.  If the hurting individual can remain calm, the
next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. If not, then no
amount of pleading will change anything.

   8.  DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO MEET ALL YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS. Maintain
interests and activities outside the romantic relationship, even after
marriage.

   9.  GUARD AGAINST SELFISHNESS IN YOU LOVE AFFAIR. Neither the man
nor the woman should do all the giving.  I once broke up with a girl
because she let me take her to nice places, bring her flowers, buy her
lunch, etc.  I wanted to do these things, but expected her to
reciprocate in some way. She didn't.

   10.  BEWARE OF BLINDNESS TO OBVIOUS WARNING SIGNS that tell you that
your potential husband or wife is basically disloyal, hateful,
spiritually uncommitted hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to
selfishness, etc.  BELIEVE ME, A BAD MARRIAGE IS FAR WORSE THAN THE
MOST LONELY INSTANCE OF SINGLENESS.

   11.  DON'T MARRY THE PERSON YOU THINK YOU CAN LIVE WITH; marry only
the individual you can't live without.

   12.  BE CAREFUL TO DEFEND THE "LINE OF RESPECT" even during a dating
relationship.  A man should open doors for a woman on a formal evening.
A woman should speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. 
If you don't preserve this delicate line when the foundations of
marriage are being laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct
them later.

   13.  DO NOT EQUATE HUMAN WORTH WITH FLAWLESS BEAUTY OR HANDSOMENESS!
If you require physical perfection in your mate, he or she may make
the same demands of you.  Don't let love escape you because of the
false values of your culture.  In the same vein, be careful not to
compare yourself with others -- which is the root of all inferiority.

   14.  IF GENUINE LOVE HAS ESCAPED YOU THUS FAR, DON'T BEGIN BELIEVING
"NO ONE  WOULD EVER WANT ME." That is a deadly trap that can destroy
you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. 
The problem is finding one another!

   15.  REGARDLESS OF HOW BRILLIANT THE LOVE AFFAIR HAS BEEN, TAKE TIME
TO "CHECK YOUR ASSUMPTIONS" with your partner before committing
yourself to marriage. It is surprising how often man and women plunge
into matrimony without ever becoming aware of major differences in
expectation between them.  For example: a.  Do you want to have
children? How many? b.  Where will you live? c.  Will the wife work?
How soon? How about after the children are born? d.  Who will lead in
the relationship? What does that really mean? e.  How will you relate
to your in-laws? f.  How will the money be spent? g.  Will you attend
church? Which one? These and other "assumptions" should be discussed
item by item, perhaps with the help of a premarital counselor.  Many
future struggles can be avoided by coming to terms with potential areas
of disagreement.  If the differences are great enough, it is even
possible that the marriage should never occur.

   16.  FINALLY, SEXUAL FAMILIARITY CAN BE DEADLY TO A RELATIONSHIP. In
addition to the many moral, spiritual, and physical reasons for
abstaining from sexual relations until marriage, there are numerous
psychological and interpersonal advantages to the exercise of
self-control and discipline.  Though it's an old-fashioned notion,
perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect "easy" women and
often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve.
Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their
minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. 
Its pronounced  "No!"

   These 16 suggestions are not guaranteed to win the hand of a lover,
of course, but they will certainly beat the approach of Mr. Keith
Ruff. And you'll save $20,000 in the process!